so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
