she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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