So drunk its hurt
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
