come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
