dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
