I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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