where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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