Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
