Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
