so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
