Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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