What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
