I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
