Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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