i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
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