I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
God, I missed his penis.
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