I just threw up on my dentist
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
