she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize