The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
