at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
God I need to hump something, right now.
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