who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize