im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
