I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
