I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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