I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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