those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i dont even know how to be here
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
