I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize