I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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