Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
