he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize