I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
