Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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