9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Can't talk, ducks in the car
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
