It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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