Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
as a side note pls kill me
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
