I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
