I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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