dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
