Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
