he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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