U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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