Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Just invented taco cereal.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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