i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
