Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
3pm strippers are depressing
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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