The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
