I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
