i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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