my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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