he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
