In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
