why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Randomize
