i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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