Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
