I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I am one with the molecules
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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