Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
