just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
He's a Shit stain on my heart
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
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