is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize