why didn't you poke me back
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
