I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
