My cat gives me a boner
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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