thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
