It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
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