After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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