Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You can't just leave with hair like that
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
