Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
