Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
