I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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