Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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