worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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