My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
