I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
